the 30th week - need to vent some steam
I'm tired, very uncomfortable and more bored than I have ever been in my life at work. I feel like crying and just want to get out of here and get some fresh air and have some more sleep. I can't even sit at my desk all day without my back getting painful and now I can't sleep through the night without waking due to needing the loo, getting backache or leg cramps and needing to turn over which cannot be done without first waking up.
Work is dreadful - so belittling and so far below what I am capable of that I have lost any small amount of inspiration I had to do this job well. The tasks are very menial and when these are over I find my mind is incapable of stimulating itself to greater things. I seem to spend large parts of the day just doing nothing - I mean, absolutely nothing. Part of this is the difficulty with knowing I am leaving in 6.5 weeks but most of it is just the job itself. There is no future in this job and I really feel things have got so bad that it'll kick me hard enough to sort myself out after the baby and get around to doing something else with my career. I have no career now which feels pretty depressing after having done so well here before we went travelling. I guess the sacrifice of travelling really paid on my career and it will be difficult to get anything like that back again. But just plugging away in a rubbish banking job for the sake of earning some more money may not be worth it because it is deeply affecting my emotions and my sense of self worth. I see other friends progressing onto bigger and better things, and that was what I was doing, but now I have gone backwards and it is not good enough. I'm disappointed and angry that I seem to be wasting my talent and having my talent wasted for me.
I don't know if this is normal to feel like this particularly when pregnant, but I sometimes worry that I have some sort of depression as I just cannot seem to get interested in anything at all. I am so bored at work that this seeps into other aspects of my life. I seem to be incapable of thinking of anything I could possibly do work wise in the future, even if I consider retraining.
I don't even seem to have anyone to talk to about all of this aside from Nick, who is great about this sort of thing always, but I feel like a right old moaning, whinger to keep banging on about this depressing stuff all the time. It hardly makes things nice for him at home if I feel like this and I don't really see why he should have to suffer the same as me. Every time I see Liz I seem to be happy and have nothing to moan about, and I don't seem to be close enough to anyone else to tell them about it either. I hardly want to go to Kate with this as she will think I should be thankful to be pregnant and not worry about the rest - fair point in many ways, but sometimes it is not possible to just skip through life even if some things are wonderful - Nick, pregnancy etc.
My mum is nice to talk to but difficult on the phone and she is not in very often anyway. So I feel quite alone at times.
This is the only time I have written here when I feel bad and it happens once a week or less, but I wanted to put it down so I can have a record of it. Most of the time (outside work) I feel happy and normal, but the work side of things gets me down. Roll on the weekend!
Work is dreadful - so belittling and so far below what I am capable of that I have lost any small amount of inspiration I had to do this job well. The tasks are very menial and when these are over I find my mind is incapable of stimulating itself to greater things. I seem to spend large parts of the day just doing nothing - I mean, absolutely nothing. Part of this is the difficulty with knowing I am leaving in 6.5 weeks but most of it is just the job itself. There is no future in this job and I really feel things have got so bad that it'll kick me hard enough to sort myself out after the baby and get around to doing something else with my career. I have no career now which feels pretty depressing after having done so well here before we went travelling. I guess the sacrifice of travelling really paid on my career and it will be difficult to get anything like that back again. But just plugging away in a rubbish banking job for the sake of earning some more money may not be worth it because it is deeply affecting my emotions and my sense of self worth. I see other friends progressing onto bigger and better things, and that was what I was doing, but now I have gone backwards and it is not good enough. I'm disappointed and angry that I seem to be wasting my talent and having my talent wasted for me.
I don't know if this is normal to feel like this particularly when pregnant, but I sometimes worry that I have some sort of depression as I just cannot seem to get interested in anything at all. I am so bored at work that this seeps into other aspects of my life. I seem to be incapable of thinking of anything I could possibly do work wise in the future, even if I consider retraining.
I don't even seem to have anyone to talk to about all of this aside from Nick, who is great about this sort of thing always, but I feel like a right old moaning, whinger to keep banging on about this depressing stuff all the time. It hardly makes things nice for him at home if I feel like this and I don't really see why he should have to suffer the same as me. Every time I see Liz I seem to be happy and have nothing to moan about, and I don't seem to be close enough to anyone else to tell them about it either. I hardly want to go to Kate with this as she will think I should be thankful to be pregnant and not worry about the rest - fair point in many ways, but sometimes it is not possible to just skip through life even if some things are wonderful - Nick, pregnancy etc.
My mum is nice to talk to but difficult on the phone and she is not in very often anyway. So I feel quite alone at times.
This is the only time I have written here when I feel bad and it happens once a week or less, but I wanted to put it down so I can have a record of it. Most of the time (outside work) I feel happy and normal, but the work side of things gets me down. Roll on the weekend!
posted by Phillippa at 7:47 AM
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